the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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