I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I supernannyed him into submission
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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