I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
