I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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