Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
