I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
