I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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