Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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