Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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