you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
