I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
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You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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