i just made my gag reflex go away.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
