I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
