also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
