Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
