I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
