she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
