Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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