how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
