The maid of honor just puked.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
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He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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