The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
