Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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