my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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