He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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