Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
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Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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