Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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