I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
