just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My bed smells like the plague
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