Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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