did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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