The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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