You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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