I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
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the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I need moral support for this bender
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I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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