I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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