I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
