Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
