i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
