He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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