Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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