He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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