Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Oh god it's open bar.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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