I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
