he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
