Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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