I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
