So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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