dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
