where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
