I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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