I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
