i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
did i just pee glitter
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
