I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I looked at my own cervix.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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