im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
